how it happened

the first time i saw the line, i thought i was seeing things. i was 8 days past a 3 day transfer. i tried again that evening, at my mom and dad's house. i didn't tell anyone i was about to test again. i just came out onto the patio and showed them.

we started panicking about twins. two embryos. omg. see, when i last updated about the cycle, we had like 4 follicles. we got 3 eggs, and 2 grew into nice 8-celled embryos by day 3. this was *the only* scenario in which we ever would have transferred two embryos. and so we did.

i had my blood test a few days later. i talked them into doing it 9 days after the transfer instead of 13 because of the weekend. my beta was 40. then it was 265 on 13 days after the transfer. a lovely doubling time of 35 hours.

then a long time of just waiting and feeling dizzy.

then the night i was 5 weeks, i started getting nervous. this was when i started spotting last time, and the next day was my miscarriage. so when i woke up in the morning, 5w1d pregnant, i was snuggling S in bed, and then i got up. i was wearing no underwear, just pajama pants, and i felt like i needed to go wipe a bunch of progesterone suppository loveliness off. but as i lowered my pants i saw blood.

it was a lot of blood. not like, oh shit i'm hemmoraghing, but definitely like "i am not pregnant any more." i collapsed on the bathroom floor. i touched myself and brought back fingers covered in brown blood. i sobbed. ML came and got poor, traumatized S. my mom came. we cried. we called the doctor. i couldn't believe it. what was wrong with my body?

it was a sunday, so we had to bring the on call doctor in. he was my favorite doctor. i was glad it was him. we went in and i prepared to see the worst. instead it was... ok. there was a bleed next to the gestational sac, but the sac (just one) looked fine. i took it easy. the bleeding tapered off.

a few days later, at 5w4d, we went for our scheduled ultrasound. still looking good. couldn't see a heartbeat yet, but that was normal. then 6w4d, another ultrasound. still good, and a wee little heartbeat. 7w4d, still good, heart beating away. we were finally taken off pelvic rest, and celebrated that (gently). we were relaxing. we were going to have a christmas or new year baby.

the dog got out. it was my fault. it was late at night. i ran barefoot around the neighborhood, and then i biked. it was an hour and a half of exercise in the middle of the night.

the next day was the day before my ultrasound. at first i thought it was just the normal progesterone suppository discharge. it's yellowish. it's pretty yucky. but it was just a little browner than normal, that afternoon. a little later, it was more definitely something. i figured the bike riding had irritated my cervix or something. that night, i showed ML the spotting. but i still wasn't really worried.

the next day, ML had to work and couldn't come to my appointment. because of the spotting, i asked my mom to come with me to the appointment. she drove me there, and did reiki on my uterus. i was nervous, but not really. the doc was the same one, my favorite guy. he reminds me of a friend of ours.

i said, "i've been spotting a bit, but not much, and it's brown, which is the only reason i'm not hyperventilating right now." "you're 8 weeks 3 days, right?" "yes." (they count me as a day earlier than i count me. i considered myself 8w4d because that's what the ivf.ca calculator said. but that's fine.)

i get up in the stirrups. the nurse put a dvd in to record the ultrasound, like they always do, but didn't start it (that would be unlucky, to start it before they see the heartbeat.) the image shows up on the screen, and immediately i know. there's the sac, the sac looked normal. but inside the sac, it looked all... exploded. not all together and neat. and the past 2 ultrasounds, i could see the heartbeat right away. "there it is," i'd say. this time i told my mom, "i don't see it." "you don't see what?" "the heartbeat. i don't see it." i started hyperventilating. the doctor didn't say anything yet. he said he needed to get a better view. zoom in, zoom in, recenter, zoom in. meanwhile my world is crumbling.

then he finally said the words. "i don't see a heartbeat."

it looks like it grew to 7w3d. so right after the ultrasound the week before. i am crushed. this isn't fair.