update

um.... so yeah, i guess my posting rate is going to be about once or twice a year.

what's going on? after that last loss, we couldn't do any more ivf and didn't have any more samples of S's donor. so we switched donors and went back to unmedicated IUIs with charting and OPKs. our thought was, we would try for about 6 months and if it didn't work out, we were done.

the first cycle, the timing seemed great, my chart looked perfect, and i didn't get pregnant.

the second cycle, the timing was crap and my chart looked terrible. i tested while ML was out of town, at 10dpo, just to confirm it was negative... but it wasn't.

i held my breath for 16 weeks.

once i started feeling movement i started believing we might actually have another baby. after the last experiences, neither the positive test nor seeing a heartbeat at 6 weeks reassured me in the slightest, and even after seeing everything ok at 9 weeks and 13 weeks and hearing the heartbeat on the doppler, i still wasn't ready to actually believe. the anatomy scan, after i'd started feeling movement already... i went into it with a thousand times more dread than excitement. sure that there would be terrible news. but there wasn't.

even now, at 26 weeks along, with a genuine ruckus being kicked up in my midsection on a many-times-daily basis, i'm still waiting for a shoe to drop.

it's a girl.

a baby sister for S. her name will be A. her nursery is all set up, all S's old stuff brought out and ready. and i'm still terrified. there is no time when you can relax, when you're pregnant after loss. i'm trying to strike a balance between honoring that fear and where i've been, and also allowing joy in and savoring what will certainly be my last pregnancy.